ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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