A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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