I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
