Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.