I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂