Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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