you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
