I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
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you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
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I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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