I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
