I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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