I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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