now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I wish life had little blips of pornography
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
