Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
