oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
