Apparently you make a good broom.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
