I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
