think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
