the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
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Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
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Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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