New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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