The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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