He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
