I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
