I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
