so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
