I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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