Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
