Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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