I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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