The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
