The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
