Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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