Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
