i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
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