I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Oh god it's open bar.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
