I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
