I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
