I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
