She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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