Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
