3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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