I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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