I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
