On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
