I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I didn't notice because vodka
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
