Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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