at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
