That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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