I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You pole danced in your parka.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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