maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
