You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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