no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
