So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
