First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
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I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
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I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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