Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
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