I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
