How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
So much Jack, so little girl.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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