First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
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