kristin has been a bad kristin
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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